Choosing a Life Partner

And at first glance, research seems to back this up, suggesting that married people are on average happier than single people and much happier than divorced people. But a closer analysis reveals that if you split up "married people" into two groups based on marriage quality, "people in self-assessed poor marriages are fairly miserable, and much less happy than unmarried people, and people in self-assessed good marriages are even more happy than the literature reports." In other words, here's what's happening in reality:

Dissatisfied single people should actually consider themselves in a neutral, fairly hopeful position, compared to what their situation could be. A single person who would like to find a great relationship is one step away from it, with their to-do list reading, "1) Find a great relationship." People in unhappy relationships, on the other hand, are three leaps away, with a to-do list of "1) Go through a soul-crushing breakup. 2) Emotionally recover. 3) Find a great relationship." Not as bad when you look at it that way, right?

All the research on how vastly happiness varies between happy and unhappy marriages makes perfect sense, of course. It's your life partner.

Thinking about how overwhelmingly important it is to pick the right life partner is like thinking about how huge the universe really is or how terrifying death really is — it's too intense to internalize the reality of it, so we just don't think about it that hard and remain in slight denial about the magnitude of the situation.

But unlike death and the universe's size, picking a life partner is fully in your control, so it's critical to make yourself entirely clear on how big a deal the decision really is and to thoroughly analyze the most important factors in making it.

So how big a deal is it?

Well, start by subtracting your age from 90. If you live a long life, that's about the number of years you're going to spend with your current or future life partner, give or take a few.

I'm pretty sure no one over 80 reads Wait But Why, so no matter who you are, that's a lot of time — and almost the entirety of the rest of your one existence.

Saying This Simple Phrase to Your Partner Works Relationship Magic

One woman started using it with her husband—and was thrilled with the results.

I used to work for a startup that was big on using certain phrases to promote workplace harmony. I thought it was more than a little cheeseball at first—until I realized one in particular worked really well on my husband, Chris.

I actually discovered it by accident. Chris was ticked off and frazzled by his job, and after I listened to his venting, one of my work phrases just slipped out on autopilot: "How can I help?" He immediately relaxed, apologized for his tirade, and vowed not to let work get to him so much. Holy crap, it worked!


I whip it out when Chris is stressed and upset and even when he's annoyed at me. I'm such a big fan of "how can I help?" that I've told my friends about it, and now they use it on the regular. And it works every. Freaking. Time. Their partners usually take a beat, chill out, and tell us what we can do to help make the situation better.

It almost feels like I'm cheating the system—I skip all the venting, bypass the part where I will definitely might say something that'll upset Chris even more, and get to where I can actually take action to help, all in a matter of seconds.

What is it about this phrase that's so amazing?

It has pretty much everything you need to show your partner you care, which is crucial when they're upset, says New York-based relationship expert Jane Greer, Ph.D., author of What About Me? She says "how can I help?" conveys five important things: You're tuned in to your partner, aware of what they're going through, considering their feelings and needs, empathetic to their situation, and looking to help out on a supportive, concrete level.


Even better, Greer points out that the phrase gives women an exact roadmap on what to do next. You'll usually get an answer as simple as "just listen" (psh—already done) but if your S.O. needs something more in-depth, now is his chance to speak up. If he doesn't...well, you asked.

The Top Complaints Men Have About Marriage

Marriage therapists open up about the gripes they hear most often.

You promise to stay with your hubby in sickness and in heath, but nowhere in the wedding vows of most modern-day couples does it say they promise not to complain about each another from time to time. It's a natural urge. And while many complaints are individual to each couple, there are some that men seem to bring up over and over again. Moshe Ratson, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Manhattan, and Lori Weinreich, a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist, dish on what married guys most frequently vent about:

"The Nagging Never Stops"

One of the more cringe-worthy stereotypes about married women is that they can be very, um, demanding of their husbands. But what you think of as a helpful (and obviously necessary) reminder, he might hear as straight-up criticism. "Men often feel that no matter what they do, it's never good enough," says Weinreich. "When they feel like they're being attacked, their basic instincts kick in: fight, flight, or freeze." To keep your husband from going all caveman on you, it's important to get to the deeper emotions underneath the anger that bubbles to the surface. So instead of saying, "You're not taking out the garbage often enough," try something more along the lines of, "I'm feeling so overwhelmed with work right now. I know it might not seem like a big deal, but it would really mean a lot to me if you could take care of the garbage on Tuesdays and Fridays so there's one less thing on my plate." And be sure he knows that you appreciate the effort he is putting in.

Things Everyone Gets Wrong About Marriage

Know what you’re really getting into before you say “I do.”

For something most of us have either done or plan to do someday, getting married sure comes with a lot of myths. We can credit old-school mindsets and princesses living “happily ever after” for most of them. Here are six of the biggest things most women get wrong about marriage. You’ll be thrilled about some. Others, not so much.

1. Half of All Marriages End in Divorce
Flip a coin: Heads you get divorced. Tails you don’t. Sounds pretty bleak, right? Luckily, it’s also false. The 50/50 stat came from a 1970s projection after courts legalized no-fault divorce and people started getting them left and right. In the mid '80s, the divorce rate actually peaked around 66 percent, says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great. And it’s much lower now. According to 2009 data from the U.S. Census Bureau, 30.8 percent of all marriages ever have ended in divorce, and research shows that in 2011, just 3.6 people got divorced out of every 1,000 adults.

  2. Happy Couples Don’t Argue
“A lack of conflict means you aren’t dealing with things that matter,” says Orbuch, who has followed more than 350 couples for 28 years and found that, yes, happy pairs fight. What’s more, research from the University of Tennessee shows that couples who recognize that there’ll be rough patches in their relationship are more satisfied over the long haul. “What makes happy marriages different from unhappy ones is that the spouses learn how to deal with conflict and disagreements in a healthy, productive manner,” says Orbuch.

8 Signs It’s Definitely Time to Break Up

For those times when nothing big and horrible happened—but nothing is feeling right either

Sometimes relationships end after a huge shouting match. Sometimes one person cheated. Sometimes one partner is moving or is ready to get married or wants to have kids. And sometimes, a relationship just runs its course. That last scenario, though, can be hard to interpret: How do you know when it’s time to call it quits, versus when you’re just going through a rough patch? We spoke with relationship experts to get a list of eight crucial signs to look out for. If several of these apply to you, and if you’ve worked on them to no avail or if it just feels too late, it could be time to cut the cord.

You’re Fighting Over EVERTHING

Fact: Fights happen. And some couples just naturally fight more than others. But if your argument pattern is changing and you’re starting to pick fights over the littlest, most insignificant things, that could be an indication that something’s awry, says relationship therapist Rachel Sussman, LCSW, author of The Breakup Bible.

You’re Staying Later and Later at the Office

“The whole essence of being in love is that you always want more,” says Jane Greer, Ph.D., New York-based relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. If you’re not feeling any desire to hurry home after a long day at work, ask yourself why.

What You Need to Know About the Number One Cancer Killer of Women

By now, you’ve probably read or at least heard of Cheryl Strayed’s bestselling book Wild, which was recently turned into a movie starring Reese Witherspoon and Laura Dern. In it, Cheryl describes her journey hiking the Pacific Crest Trail after her mom’s death at age 45 to lung cancer.

Because of this, Cheryl has always been passionate about educating others about the disease. That’s why she recently partnered with Lung Force, a new national movement led by the American Lung Association (ALA) to raise both awareness and research funds. And at this year's Oscars, she and Laura promoted Lung Force by wearing turquoise (the color of the organization).

We had the chance to speak with the author about what she wishes all women knew about lung cancer, why this partnership is so important to her, and more.

The surprising lung cancer fact she wants all women to know: “I had no idea when my mom was diagnosed that it was the number one cancer killer of women,” says Cheryl, whose mom died 24 years ago. What’s more, it’s actually the leading cancer killer in both men and women and causes more deaths than colon, breast, and pancreatic cancers combined, according to the ALA. “Whenever I tell people that lung cancer is the number one cancer killer of women, they’re never not surprised,” says Cheryl.