You promise to stay with your hubby in sickness and in heath, but nowhere in the wedding vows of most modern-day couples does it say they promise not to complain about each another from time to time. It's a natural urge. And while many complaints are individual to each couple, there are some that men seem to bring up over and over again. Moshe Ratson, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Manhattan, and Lori Weinreich, a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist, dish on what married guys most frequently vent about:
"The Nagging Never Stops"
One of the more cringe-worthy stereotypes about married women is that they can be very, um, demanding of their husbands. But what you think of as a helpful (and obviously necessary) reminder, he might hear as straight-up criticism. "Men often feel that no matter what they do, it's never good enough," says Weinreich. "When they feel like they're being attacked, their basic instincts kick in: fight, flight, or freeze." To keep your husband from going all caveman on you, it's important to get to the deeper emotions underneath the anger that bubbles to the surface. So instead of saying, "You're not taking out the garbage often enough," try something more along the lines of, "I'm feeling so overwhelmed with work right now. I know it might not seem like a big deal, but it would really mean a lot to me if you could take care of the garbage on Tuesdays and Fridays so there's one less thing on my plate." And be sure he knows that you appreciate the effort he is putting in.
Whether the message is positive, negative or neutral, husbands often think their wives are simply saying (or texting or e-mailing) too much. "Men have a limited ability to listen and pay attention and stay focused on a particular subject, and it can be troubling to both the husband and the wife," says Ratson. The upshot: You feel like you aren't being heard, and he feels like he's being lectured. "It's a generalization, but women tend to be faster thinkers," says Weinreich. "If the husband doesn't respond quickly, it's not because he doesn't want to or is being mean. He's just processing the information differently." The fix? Weinreich recommends asking questions at the beginning of conversations to give him a chance to participate early on and letting your husband process what you say before jumping in with another comment.
"Our Relationship Is All About Our Kids"
Everything changes when little ones enter the picture. "Many women end up instinctively wanting to focus on and take care of the child," says Weinreich. "This can make men feel left out or like they're no longer important to their wives." Of course, when kids are very young and require tons of attention, it's hard to find time for your relationship. But even little gestures help: Give your husband the first hug and kiss when you see him at the end of the day—before you reach out to your children or pets. And budget time to enjoy each other as a couple on a regular basis.
"We're Not Having Enough Sex"
Physical intimacy is an important part of any marriage, but men generally seem to want more of it than women. When your desires aren't aligned, it's important to think about giving rather than receiving. "Good couples are measured in the capacity to give what's difficult for them," says Ratson. In other words, keep your partner's perspective, wants, and needs in mind, and try to be compassionate—not judgmental—toward them. This doesn't mean you should cater to your husband's every whim (or vice-versa), but it does mean you should strive to find a happy middle ground. "There's no one right way for every couple," says Weinreich, but if having a goal to shoot for is helpful to you, you might consider getting intimate at least once a week—as long as both partners are interested and willing.
What if you're making an effort on all of the above counts but it doesn't seem to be helping? Don't wait until it’s too late: Find a therapist whom both of you are comfortable with, and consider therapy a form of continuing ed for your marriage.
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